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Today is the first day of week five which means that Sarah and I will be leading camps by ourselves. I have done this before and have never been as nervous as I am today. In the past, I have been called upon to step in and take over camps in Romania and have done it with not so much as a deep sigh, but for some reason this is different. Maybe it is that I am coming to understand what is at stake.

I have noticed something about myself and that is the older I get the more I feel that I am a struggler. For example, when I was in my twenties and asked to preach, I jumped right in and preached. In my thirties, I was a little more dependent and now in my forties, I am still willing but the weight of the responsibility scares me. I am not sure what is going to happen in my fifties and sixties – I will be a wreck!  Another example is when Lee Ann and I started having kids, I felt like I struggled at very little, but in my late forties, I feel that I struggle with so much. I have been thinking that it would be better if it was the other way around – i.e. I am a huge struggler in my 20’s when my children are young and can’t perceive that I am a struggler and as they get older (and perceive more) and I get older (start having it all together) then they will not see me struggle. I would say that this is unfortunate but I think that it is very fortunate for my children (and for me). First of all, they see that their father needs a Savior and secondly it gives me an opportunity to display dependence upon the LORD – something that I want my children to grasp before leaving our home. Plus, who wants to be raised by a person who never struggles?  I tend to identify with those who struggle.

I was driving down the road one night and was listening to Family Life with Dennis Rainey. Now I know Dennis and he is a very sincere and godly man, but that particular night I thought to myself, “If he shares one more success story about his family, I am going to throw up!” – because I was struggling and did not need to hear a success story. As Dennis began to speak, he told a story of how he and Barbara were struggling with one of their children and in a weird sort of way, it brought great comfort to me.

This feeling of “being out of my comfort zone” is really a good place to be. I have also learned that this is exactly the types of situations that the LORD uses to bring more glory to himself and to keep me listening to His voice. I remember doing my very first funeral. It was for a young man who was in my very first youth group. I was so nervous but felt like the LORD has spoken on how the service was supposed to be conducted. I was praying every second of every day up until I assumed the pulpit and as I stepped up to the microphone a huge stillness and comfort came over me – assuring me that the LORD was with me.

So, I will take these feelings of nervousness right into camp as a good sign that the LORD is making me dependent upon Him and that as I walk by faith and not by sight, He will be glorified, His plans will be accomplished as HIs kingdom is brought near.